Pabst Blue Ribbon

First Brewed: 1844
Brewery Location: Originally Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States; now based in Woodridge, Illinois, United States
ABV: 4.74%

History & Availability: What, am I a hipster now? PBR was actually most popular back in the late '70s, making the recent hipster revival a little less surprising. While Pabst claims that the "Blue Ribbon" branding comes from being named "America's Best" beer at some expo in Chicago in 1893, reports surrounding the event are conflicting at best. It's probably better to take this one at face value and not think too hard about it.

Appearance: Ever-so-slightly more golden than the average golden lager, PBR has little carbonation, but oddly has one of those marshmallow fluff heads that only dissipates after you look away. A real pain for playing drinking games with because of this tendency (who wants to de-foam 14+ cups, anyway?), even though (as above) that seems to be the main attraction of this beer. One the initial pour dies down, a few bubbles make their way lazily to the surface here and there, keeping the slightest of heads present in the mug.

Smell: Back to the good old rusty metal. More of a nickel than a copper or iron this time. PBR is another beer that intelligently keeps its aromatic profile low in favor of not scaring off potential consumers. There's a little hint of corn behind the metal, but that's probably only because I'm really straining to find something else here.

Taste: Up front, the taste isn't really all that bad. Not particularly bitter, and it's got the taste of fresh-cut grass and a hint of corn playing around your tongue. The aftertaste leaves a little something to be desired, with a rather wet residue and little to none of the crisp, hoppy notes that allow other higher-end American goldens to stay clean.

Mouthfeel: Mid-weight (i.e., heavy for the style) and wet. This is not a beer that dances around, staying active as you savor the flavor in your mouth. This is a beer that you pour directly down your gullet, or a beer that you hold at your own peril. By the way, don't let it warm up. That's not pleasant.

Drinkability: I feel like a whale after two pints. It's probably because I am a whale, but the noticeably heavier body of PBR compared to its peers certainly doesn't help. If you have a huge stomach and don't mind water weight, the flavor is certainly inoffensive enough to allow mass drinking.

Overall verdict: B-; much as I hate to say it, one of the best truly cheap beers. I'd definitely take it over Bud/Miller/Coors.

Tsingtao

First Brewed: 1903
Brewery Location: Qingdao (Tsingtao), Shandong, China
ABV: 4.8%

History & Availability: Founded by German nationals in China, Tsingtao was originally named Germania Brauerei until it was sold to the Dai-Nippon brewery, a Japanese company that today is split into Asahi and Sapporo breweries. Following World War II it finally became Chinese-owned, and was nationalized in 1949 along with the rest of Chinese private enterprise. It was reprivatized in 1993 and remains so today. The branding "Tsingtao" comes from the old French transliteration of the name of the city of Qingdao. This is largely because China's beer market was severely underdeveloped for many years in the middle of the century, and as a result the majority of production was sold to foreign markets. Despite this transliteration, it's actually pronounced closer to "Ching-dow." The beer was introduced to the US in 1972 and has remained the most popular Chinese beer on the market (not that that's saying much, but come on). Tsingtao also currently remains the most popular beer in China, holding 15% of the market share.

Appearance: A light but rich corn yellow, this beer has very little carbonation and no head at all as a result. Without going into undue detail, it looks almost exactly like every other beer in the past two weeks.

Smell: Surprisingly crisp and sweet. Interestingly, this isn't a malty sweetness at all, which tends to be subdued, or I guess the best way I can describe it is a "dark" sweetness - instead the smell of Tsingtao is a bright sweetness, reminiscent of sherbet (or sorbet if you're a little more sophisticated than I am).

Taste: Again, surprisingly sweet. To be clear, it's not like you're drinking straight syrup, and the sweetness is balanced out nicely with a largely bitter aftertaste, but the sweetness is the most important taste here for sure. Besides the sugary foreground, there's a hint of peanut or cashew flavor that really adds some depth to the beer. I can imagine this pairing wonderfully with some higher-quality Chinese food.

Mouthfeel: Noticeably heavier-bodied than all the American macrobrews. Carbonation stays nice and low while still allowing for enough activity to keep the beer from being flat in the mouth.

Drinkability: You do tend to get the burps from this beer, and it's presence in the stomach doesn't go unnoticed. Nevertheless I found it no trouble at all to put back a couple of bottles. Especially if you're eating a well-paired meal along with the brew - which I highly recommend for most beers, but especially this one - you'll hardly notice how much you've had until you hit the bottom of the mug.

Overall verdict: B, another pleasant surprise this week. This may become my go-to golden lager.

Labatt Blue Light

First Brewed: 1983
Brewery Location: London, Ontario, Canada
ABV: 4.0%

History & Availability: It's Labatt Blue, except Light. What about it makes it "Light?" That, dear reader, is a mystery. Not nearly as well-distributed as the US

Appearance: Thinner than standard Labatt's. About the same color, but carbonation seems less active and as a result there's literally no head at all within a minute. It's actually surprising, usually even with beers that don't have any head retention at all you'll get a little fizz around the edges of the mug. With this beer there's literally nothing.

Smell: Much like Labatt standard, but missing most of that apple scent. Instead it's just iron. It's a subtle scent and doesn't particularly permeate the air around the glass, which is probably a good thing.

Taste: Again, much like the standard Labatt, this has essentially no beer taste to it. It's essentially Perrier with a yellow tint. However, unlike regular Labatt, there's a weird taste almost like rubbing alcohol that's hiding behind the soda water foreground.

Mouthfeel: Light and fizzy, again like soda water. It's rather unpleasant for me but for people who like soda water, I guess you wouldn't find it too objectionable.

Drinkability: Well, it's pretty good in terms of weight. Although I was looking around on the internet and found out that it's only 4 calories fewer per serving than Guinness. On the other hand it just tastes awful. So, 5/10 in this category I suppose, for being half-great and half-just-tastes-awful.

Overall verdict: D-. Avoid, even in favor of other light beers.

Michelob Ultra Pomegranate Raspberry

First Brewed: After 2002
Brewery Location: St. Louis, Missouri, United States
ABV: 4.0%

History & Availability: Owned by Anheuser-Busch (which is in turn owned by Anheuser-Busch-InBev), Michelob is (as I'm sure you all know) one of the more successful macro pale lagers in the United States. Michelob Light was introduced in 1978, and in response to the growing low-carb fad, Michelob Ultra was introduced in 2002. And that brings us to the fruity versions of Michelob Ultra, including (in addition to this one) Lime Cactus, Tuscan Orange Grapefruit, and Dragon Fruit Peach. Availability should be only slightly lower than Michelob itself; which is to say, almost everywhere.

Appearance: Bright canary yellow, with a fizzy head that nevertheless has more staying power than Coors Light did (although only slightly). Carbonation is medium, leading to slight activity on the surface. The beer is crystal clear and almost seems to glow. This is, surprisingly, a much nicer-looking beer than the other light beers this week. The one problem I have with it is the presentation - who the hell sells beer in clear bottles? Honestly?

Smell: They are not joking around. This beer smells like a full-on raspberry farm, and the pomegranate follows close behind. There's absolutely no beer smell masked behind this; if I had to guess, Michelob Ultra standard edition probably smells a lot like other light beers, which is to say, has no inherent smell at all - so it's no surprise that the fruit smells completely overpower any beer smell.

Taste: Well I'll be damned. This ain't a good beer, but it ain't half bad neither. The taste is not exactly what I was expecting; from the smell I was under the impression that I'd be drinking straight-up raspberry juice. Instead it's this weird dry sour wheat taste. Not really much fruitiness to it, but it's definitely sour rather than bitter so it's unlike any other beer I've had before.

Mouthfeel: Dry and clean are the words of the day here. Removing half the carbs from this beer has really made it lighter than air. Activity is fizzy at worst, nothing too overly bubbly.

Drinkability: Much like the other light beers, drinkability is pretty damn good. Even moreso since this beer actually has nothing in it, as opposed to just purporting to have nothing in it.

Overall verdict: C+, and since I came in expecting this beer to be a D-, it's one of the most pleasant surprises I've had in my entire rating career.

Coors Light

First Brewed: 1978
Brewery Location: Golden, Colorado, United States
ABV: 4.2%

History & Availability: Since I probably won't find Coors Banquet beer, I'll touch on the history of Coors as a whole here too. The Coors Brewing Company was founded in 1873 and was one of only a few US breweries to survive Prohibition by leaning heavily on non-alcoholic interests, including porcelain and malted milk. Historically Coors has been a regional-only beer, being marketed to the western half of the United States exclusively for over 100 years. Coors Light was introduced as the light beer fad was becoming popular, and by the mid-1980s the brand was being sold nationwide.

Appearance: Slightly paler than the other recent beers, Coors Light is more of a pastel yellow with little to no haze. Carbonation starts out strong but after the inital fizz there is literally no head at all besides a few bubbles coalescing by the edges. Within about 5 minutes there's almost no carbonation left in the beer at all.

Smell: Another beer that's very light on the smell. I guess they've put a lot of effort into making sure no one can actually smell their product. On the plus side, no metal. So I guess I can chalk this category down as completely neutral.

Taste: Unpleasant. It's another Labatt-style beer where taste is assumed to be the enemy, so the brew tends to stay away from any flavor in particular. Nevertheless, unlike Labatt, Coors Light has a weird unplaceable decomposing-wild-rice taste and is one of the few beers I physically wrinkle my nose at while drinking. Aftertaste is wet due largely to the lack of alcohol but helped along by the fact that there's no hops or malt flavor to speak of.

Mouthfeel: Fades away into nothingness even as you hold it in your mouth. Upon first sipping you'll notice a little bit of activity as the beer churns, but within a second or two the activity is gone and this beer feels like a very slightly carbonated water.

Drinkability: Much like all the other beers of the style, drinkability is the one place where these beers are above average. Coors Light is a drink that you can gulp down without any trouble, especially with the comparatively low alcohol content.

Overall verdict: D, we're skirting dangerously close to "offensively bad" but we're not quite there yet.

Foster's Lager

First Brewed: 1887
Brewery Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
ABV: 5.0%

History & Availability: Despite the hilariously over-the-top Australian stereotype ads that Foster's puts out, the beer isn't actually all that popular in Australia itself. Instead the beer makes most of its profit, like Beck's, on exports, particularly to the UK. It's brewed under license in 8 different countries and sold basically everywhere alcohol is legal, so you should have no trouble finding it at any major beer vendor.

Appearance: Ever so slightly darker than the other recent beers. More of an amber color, appropriately. Carbonation is really low and as you'd expect there's basically no head within a minute of pouring. Be aware that the oil can is actually 750 mL, not 24oz as I was expecting - I overflowed my mug. 'oops'

Smell: Not too offensive at all. It's significantly less metallic than Bud, and has that same masked apple scent as Labatt. I'm even smelling a little bit of potato in here. And to be honest, any smell that isn't an element on the periodic table is fine by me at this end of the spectrum.

Taste: Almost nothing to it. It's not quite as devoid of flavor as Labatt, but nearly there. What little taste exists isn't particularly pleasant, but it's not horribly unpleasant either. Nevertheless I have to wrinkle my nose a little while I drink it. You can taste the alcohol in this beer, unfortunately.

Mouthfeel: Bubbly. The finish is pretty dry despite the only average alcohol levels since there's nothing else in the beer to tone it down. Other than that, it's pretty average for the style - very watery and light.

Drinkability: As I mentioned above, the fact that you can taste the alcohol right on the tip of your tongue is a little discouraging. But again, nevertheless, this is a beer that I'm able to finish without too much disgust setting in. I wouldn't have more than one 750 mL can, but one is... acceptable.

Overall verdict: C-. Easy to drop this one right between Budweiser and Labatt.

Budweiser

First Brewed: 1876 Brewery Location: More than 30 breweries worldwide; headquartered in St. Louis, Missouri, United States ABV: 5.0% History & Availability: "King of Beers." This section is actually the main reason I chose to review this beer. The vast majority of people don't realize it, but the word "Budweiser" is actually a German adjective used to describe a thing or person from the city of České Budějovice (German: Budweis) in Bohemia, Czech Republic. So when Anheuser-Busch, the American brewing giant, tries to claim the rights to the name "Budweiser" in Europe, it's almost comical - it would be like trying to copyright the name "New Yorker." (Ooh, struck a little close to home there.) In any case there are actually a number of beers from the city of Budweis that legitimately call themselves "Budweiser," so be aware than when traveling in Europe you may not be ordering the beer you expect. Not that you'd ever order a Budweiser on purpose, but just in case. The beer itself is made with rice in addition to hops and barley malt, which subtly changes the flavor. Anheuser-Busch claims that their "beechwood aging process," wherein beechwood chips are introduced to the aging vessels, enhances the smoothness of the beer, but in actuality the chips are pre-boiled in baking soda before being introduced to the beer precisely to remove all of the flavor from the wood. As for availability, you can pick up Bud anywhere in the world - it's the most popular beer in the US, leading Anheuser-Busch to its current 50.9% of the entire market share - and is exported heavily worldwide. In many countries it is sold as simply "Bud" due to the aforementioned copyright issues, but it's the same beer. Appearance: A nice piss-yellow, totally clear, and with a good deal of carbonation. The head pours fizzy and large as is average for an American macro, and dissipates within a minute as expected, but the one thing to note here is that after the head has dissipated the carbonation rises straight through the remaining trace. In most beers lots of carbonation means the head stays thick, but for Bud it appears as though the bubbles are literally pushing the head aside as they rise to the surface and escaping that way. So I guess to put it in a word, viscosity of the head is very low. Smell: A much stronger and more distinctive smell than Labatt, Budweiser also has enough alcohol in it so that it's present in the scent. There's no pleasing scent of fruit here, no apple or pear to mask the metal. I wouldn't go so far as to call this beer coppery, but it's along the same lines as tarnished silver. Taste: Have you ever wondered what it would taste like if you were to melt down an aluminum can and drink the resulting substance? I think I may have found the answer. There's not a single redeeming quality about the taste of this beer. The only thing that softens the blow is that the silvery taste is not as offensive as some of the harsher metals. Not that I'm advocating taste-testing different metals, but I bet you'll find a penny tastes a lot worse than a dime. Don't ask me why I know this information. Mouthfeel: Only slightly heavier than the assorted Light beers that plague store shelves and pub menus. I always found it particularly entertaining that the only beers the have "Light" versions are the beers that didn't need any lightening to begin with. Drinkability: Honestly, I've gotta give the beer points here. There have been beers out there (Harpoon Winter Warmer being a good example) that I simply couldn't finish. Bud is not one of them. I would never, ever choose this beer over any micro, but if it was handed to me for free at a party I'd be able to drink it so as not to appear ungrateful.

Overall verdict: D+. I await the upcoming Bud Light with abject horror.